Should, should, should

by ennejoy

I went to a Seta Transgender Support Center meeting yesterday. It was great to meet people with (a kind of) the same kind of situation. It was easy to talk about my feelings or experiences there, because there were people who had felt or experienced something of the same.

Afterwards, I’ve been thinking a lot about the “shoulds” I have set for myself. There are a lot of those in my life – beginning with the relatively simple ones like “I should practice my bow technique today but I feel more like playing the electric bass now”, and going on to “I should eat only vegan food, but doing so I always feel hungry” and even “I should always be proud of being qenderqueer and never conform to the binary gender system even when I’m tired of being noticed and would love to blend in with the normal people.”

The balance between the short and long term goals of my life (feeling happy right now vs. achieving something greater sometime in the future) is a precarious one. It’s so easy to slip into either a hedonistic mood, taking one day at a time and not caring about the future at all, or take a martyrlike stance, thinking of the rewards I will one day get if I neglect my current happiness for long enough.

And these both are, so I feel, quite nice ways of looking at life, because usually, I slip out of one and into another quicker than I even notice. But right now, I feel stuck inside both of these viewpoints. This means that there aren’t enough hours in a day to do all I would like to, and so I find myself collapsing to a complete standstill, not doing anything worthwhile. I fear this is what Finland’s winter has in store for me once again.