Everybody is nobody, as far as taking the blame is concerned

by ennejoy

There are some things like that one would feel better off without. Anger is one of them, especially when you’re angry because of something that anger really can’t help at all. I’m currently experiencing a vicious circle of fruitless, non-directable anger, which is really tough to cope with. This is how it goes.

I’m angry with…

… having to be nice to people who say it’s hard for them that I’m trans*. There’s always somebody who I must understand, understand and understand, because this is such a hard time for them. Why doesn’t anybody ask me if I’m having a hard time? I’m having one all right, thank you very much.

… having to act nice and normal like it’s my fault to be what I am and you don’t have to change anything about the way you look at the world. I WANT you to have to realize that the way you’ve been looking at the world doesn’t work anymore, it’s not a good way of looking at anything. Not at me, anyway.

… having to be the exception. I find myself saying time after time that I’m okay this way, everybody can keep identifying as what they have been identifying all along, I can be the quota trans* person. But what I really want to say is, ditch the bloody gender binary! Stop living as if  there were only men, women and exceptions! Even, and especially if you’re happy as a man or a woman, proclaim yourself as having stepped outside the system – non-binary, genderqueer, trans*, whatever, just do it, even for one day! I want to be political about this, I want a revolution to join, I just don’t know how to start.

… the world and the fact that when something is everybody’s fault, it’s really nobody’s, and so I’ve really got nobody to be angry with. I know nobody’s to blame for me feeling this way (except maybe myself, but that’s not an option I want to explore any further), and that everybody’s doing their best to deal with me being what I am. And so, I’ve got to understand people again, because I already do, and so we come back to the beginning…